My School Friend Passed Away

Well, I have been to an old school friend funeral today.

Why do we want to know that I hear you say.

I have written blogs before about my grief related to my dad passing away.

This one took me by surprise, my reaction was not quite what I thought it would be.

A friend let me know by messenger, (I will say “he” to keep his anonymity), that he has died suddenly.

I felt shocked, some would say that is normal, as I am only 55 years old you don’t really expect friends to ago at that age as you don’t feel that old. If we ever feel old (that maybe another blog for another day).

What I did not expect were tears and a real sense of loss,

A bit of back story, he and I went through primary and secondary school together, not what I would call close friends. It was maybe mid-way through secondary school we start hanging out the same places and we talked more. Then after we left school, we kept seeing each other with other friend at the same pubs. until we hit about our early 20’s, then we lost touch for maybe 20 years’. Then our city being what it is and the job he did we occasionally bumped into each other. In the supermarket or town centre. Life just moved on

The last time I bumped into him was last April (2024) I was in town with my friend we had both just got an ice-cream, he jumped Infront of us with a big smile on his face and said “Hi”, as he always did every time we saw him. My friend who also knew him well, asked if he could take a photo of us with our ice-creams which he did, not asking any questions, but I am sure he made a funny comment as that was his personality.

Move forward 3 months and he passed suddenly.

So, back to my story, where was I?

“oh yes!” tears in my eyes and real sense of loss.

Question I asked myself was why I am so upset when I have not really seen or known his life since I was 20 yrs. old. I knew he was married and had children, but nothing more and why should I know more he was a school friend who I bumped into from time to time.

I am still reflecting on this and maybe that is why I am writing this blog. I am a great believer at writing /journaling as it can really help you process feeling and emotion. I had some great memories, from our younger years. I am morning these years from my past. He has gone, He is the first real friend from school to pass away.
I have known other people from my year at school that have passed away, but I did not know them as well, just that they were in my year.
Where He was a friend. Someone I share experiences with to make memories that seem so long ago now.

Life has moved on, and I have been getting on with day-to-day life as you do. Then it is today, the funeral day. I had thoughts of not going. I had lots to do today, and I don’t know his close family. But then 30 minutes before the funeral, I decided I need to go and say my goodbyes.

I rushed to get changed and drive the short trip to the church. I got to the church door in plenty of time but out of breath. The church was full, I could not see anyone I knew, so I just asked a gentleman if I could sit at the end of his pew. I did warn him I may cry.
Why I need to tell him that I don’t know. It’s a funeral people cry.

Wow this is where my emotion when into overdrive, I took some deep breaths, I have found this really helps me to stop myself from crying. But holding the tears in is still not easy and would not be held for long nor should they be. I do feel it is good to cry, to let the tears flow to help let out that emotion. I just felt it was not the right time to do this, so this is where the deep breath help me. He had not arrived at the church and here I go emotions kicking in again.

This is where I then started questioning myself, why am I upset. is it due to him passing away, and that I am at his funeral or was it something else. I thought was it that I was thinking of my dad, but no, I don’t think it is as my dad did not have a church service.

The grief I felt was from his passing, as he came into the church and as the song played my thoughts went to my childhood. Then the hymn played in a more modern style, recorded by a singer in the 1970’s. This made me realise I really am at a funeral of someone my age. The style of funeral so different from older relatives that had passed away, or even my dads funeral.

The family tribute brought more tears to my eyes, as they had spoken about his childhood. They mention some of the things he did, which as a child and teenager, brought more of my memories of us on a Saturday evening with our group of friends at the local sports centre.

Then another song was played, which is one song my husband loved to listen to, and my thought move to what if this was my husband.
But it’s not, so I said to myself get rid of those thoughts.

Then another song came on, my thoughts back to my friend laying there in the church. This song gave another fun memory, of him with one of his close friends, and them both following us back from a country pub. I was in my mini with my friend driving maybe a little fast flying it over a small bridge. Then coming into our town, the road lane went into two and I merged over the left. They followed behind us to my friend’s house, they got out the car, they both said you need to have a roll cage fitted to your car, you nearly hit the curb. I know they were thinking of my safety, but we all found is so funny and laughed together.

After this memory all I could think of was His close friend in the church. The one that was in the car following me in my mini. All I wanted to know then was he in the church to say bye to his close friend. I could not see him. I seem to then get fixated on wondering if he was ok. (the close friend). To the extend when we came out of the church after the service. I was told he was there, but I couldn’t see him, so I asked a close friend of mine who was going to the wake to pass on that I asked about him. They must have thought I was weird, as he is not related to him who has passed away. (Why would she mind me asking, that I don’t really know but it went through my head). But I was so concerned. again, it goes back to the memories that where flooding into my head.

Now I am back at home just chilling before going to work to see a client in about 2 hours. I sat thinking I should cancel my client I only have one, but I should cancel. I feel weird is the only word I can think of at this time. I felt I had not really said goodbye as I did not follow on to the crematorium for the final part or to the wake afterward.

Is this how people feel when they don’t get to say goodbye. I am thinking, COVID when we were not allowed to attend funerals, or when people cannot attend for any other reason. But I have been to the church. I wonder do we need that final part of the funeral ceremony be it the curtain going round and the final goodbye at the crematorium or them being layed to rest in the ground.

So, as I sit here this evening writing this as the sun is setting a robin has just come and sat on my garden fence. I have not seen a robin in my garden for over a year. I am a great believer that they are a loved one coming to visit. I like to think it was my dad coming to say, you know Anne everything is going to be ok you got this.

At this time in my life, I have had two people died with in short period of time that where too young to leave us. Three friends with cancer at different levels. I try to stay cheerful and process it all with writing to let it out somewhere, that people may read this and feel it had helped them in some way.

Why have I told you my story today, to let you know that grief comes in many ways, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. That our thought goes to many places and link to many different memories of our life journey. And that’s ok as long as you can tell yourself that some thoughts can just drift by. Like the one I had thinking it could be my husband there but is not. Don’t get me wrong I have so much empathy for my friend wife and family. I just need to remind myself that life still goes on when people had passed away.

It may take some people a little longer than other to start to move forward again but we do. Little by little. Life grows around our grief. Grief doesn’t go away I feel we just learn to live life around it. Knowing that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We do what we do one step at a time in our own way. Letting our thoughts take us to many places along the way. But hopefully to more happy ones than sad. But sad memories may come along, it just the way we process our emotions to keep us going bit by bit.

Remember it takes time and if you need someone to talk to counselling can help you by having someone who wants to listen to you and your life story.