WHEN YOUR 1st CHILD IS ABOUT TO LEAVE HOME FOR THE 1st TIME
I can only speak from a mum’s point of view, but I would like to think it would be the same for Dads, and others that have been the main career for their child.
Well, it started with the initial application in my son’s case for an Apprenticeship, first one applied for invited for an assessment day and then got offered a position but carried on applying. I would assume it’s a little like applying for multiple Universities and waiting for all their reply’s.
Another application went into a company and again my son was offered, an assessment day attended and got offer a position. My husband is in the same industry and help my son make his choice on which to take. Moving from Lincoln to Oxfordshire. At this stage it is all very exciting to see my son go through the application possess. With things looking very positive.
At this time my emotion are in check, I am just thinking, I am please my son has a plan moving forward in his life. I think this is because his actual leaving date was not confirmed and what I through the date would be was still a little time away.
With the acceptance of the apprenticeship came lots for form filling my son did most of it but needed help sometime with the initial reply’s to emails as in worded correctly. (I am still feeling useful as a mum at this time).
We were invited to a family day, to see where my son would be working and show us photo of his accommodation for the first nine months and where the study would take place before moving to the company’s main site for the next three years after the nine months of study.
This is starting to hit home now that my son will be leaving home soon, I am ok I don’t need to really think about it as yet. I can still talk about him leaving home without crying. The family day is still about three weeks away. It all ok. (Well, I keep telling myself that).
The family day was good we met the other five apprentices and their families (six taken on in total with my son) asked lots of question, was given lots of information and shown around the main site. Then towards the end of the day the apprentices were asked to go try on their uniform and us parents stayed where we were and given the chance to ask any question we did not want to ask in front of our children. This is where it hit me for the first time really, I had to really try hard to hold it together, as I did not want to cry in front of everyone in the room. I could feel my heart beating faster than normal thinking you got this you’re ok.
Then next day we were back home, and I had popped into Asda’s for a few bits and looked down their seasonal aisle and there was a small clothes airer and I could have cried at seeing this. (I know why you would want to cry when you see a clothes airer) I had dreamed the night before that we had turned up at my son’s new accommodation and he had nowhere to dry his clothes. I felt like the universe was on my side telling what I needed to purchase ready for him to take with him when he goes.
We had arranged for a day to catch up with his friend’s and for me to have a coffee with their mum’s (my friends) at the local water park. Off us mums went to the coffee shop next door and that’s when the conversation came round to my son leaving home, they had asked how the family day had gone and said is it only two weeks until he leaves. With that my eyes watered up and one of my friends said you are allowed to cry it’s ok to cry. With that the flood gates opened right in the middle of the coffee shop. I felt silly other people looking at me, but my friends said it ok let them look it not them that is going through this. And they were right sometimes we just need to go with our emotions no matter where we are or who is around us. We do not have to take on other people’s judgment of us, that is for them to own not us. So I had a cry and felt better having let it out with support from my friends.
My son is the first of his friendship group to leave home the other are either in sixth form or about to start their second year at college. We all know that at some point our children will leave home, but we do not know when. Some we think will go to University but when it comes round to it decide not to. Other may take up an apprenticeship but stay local to home and live at home for more year than the parents/cares though they would.
In my case my son is leaving earlier than he would if he had gone to `Uni, and I am really not ready for him to leave.
In my heart I know he will be fine, but my head is ruling me at this time, saying he is not ready he cannot cook or use the washing machine, as much as you have tried to teach /help him, he can only bake cookies. He dose bake a mean cookie.
We have ten days until my son will be in his new accommodation. I gave my son the choice if he wanted me to follow him down and meet hm there ( he will take is car with him ) to get settled and he said it was up to me. However, I did not want him to think years later that nether me or his Dad where there to help settle him in on the day. At this time, I am looking for a hotel for the night and thinking I hope my son realises the I will be a blubbering mess, (which is starting now as I type this) on the day and as I leave.
Over the past two and half years I have had my Dad pass away, my dog pass away and now my oldest son leaving home and on top of that managing the menopause what more can a women take.
How do I deal with all the emotion these things in my life have thrown at me and I do mean thrown at me and still been able to work. I have to say Self-care knowing when to take time away from work and for how long. Journaling writing down all me through, feeling and emotion without over thinking them.
To help me come to terms with my son leaving home I had two weeks at the beginning of the school summer holiday as both sons then off and had family time went back to work for three weeks now off for two weeks to spend time with my son and help him get sorted clothes, stationary etc. then at work for two days before myself and my younger son drive down to settle him in.
In this time, I have talked to both son s on how they feel about not being together as they get on really well and always have. Both said it will be a bit strange to start with, but we will be ok. I feel lucky that both sons do talk to me about how they feel about things and also when they feel I am annoying them. 😊.
On the family day the line manger who will also be looking after their welfare suggested they did not come home for the first five weeks. He has found that the ones that stay this length of time so not get as home sick and do better in their studies. He even suggested this to his daughter when she went to Uni. Five weeks minim how am I going to cope he had only been away for one week at a time before.
I have friends and other people to support me, people I can talk to. But I also know that if I find they are not understanding how I am feeling or I feel they do not want to listen to me, there are some great counsellors out there that are trained to listen without judgment.
Form the 11th of September I will be one of those counsellors that is always ready to listen and help you work out your emotion, or just sit and be there for your when you need to cry.
This will probably be my son on the day when it is time for me to leave and that’s ok we will make it light heart in the best way we can knowing that we love each other and that I am always there for him no matter what.
And I am sure that I will get plenty of phone calls, facetime, WhatsApp’s in the first few weeks.
Will that make is easier or harder I will have to wait and see.
(and I am still crying but smiling through the tears 😊)
Please remember you are never alone no matter what situation you are facing, no matter how you are feeling,
Please contact Lincoln Counselling Centre if you feel you need someone to talk to.